Developed by a cardiologist but praised by proctologists, the South Beach Diet is a three phase program that minimizes the consumption of “bad carbohydrates and bad fats.” It also minimizes the wallpaper stability in your bathrooms.

Aside from the ketosis (a physiological state associated with chronic starvation), heart palpitations, headaches and lightheadedness, the South Beach Diet also causes “excessive fluid loss”. Guess which fluids and which orifice you’ll be losing it from.